Word: I hope you’ve loved this little deviation from my regular work into the realm of the absurd as all of us take care of the fallout of entitled dipshit Hollywood writers wanting more cash to maintain ChatGPT from writing first drafts for community sitcoms. That is the final time I do this shit.—CLS
ONE. A closing letter by no means despatched.
As I sit right here in Los Angeles, amidst the chaotic cacophony of the 2023 Writers’ Strike, I can’t assist however consider easier occasions. You already know, these halcyon days of yore when my solely supply of tension was assembly Friday deadlines and enduring your pointed, cantankerous critiques.
Oh, how I lengthy for these candy, candy reminiscences now. I believed I used to be escaping a dungeon of myopic self-reflection and commentary tyranny once I ventured into the land of palm bushes and perpetual sunshine, however alas, I’ve discovered myself within the ninth circle of screenwriter hell. You see, it seems this strike is way extra irritating than even your most withering remarks.
Day by day, I bear witness to a parade of picket indicators and megaphones, a sea of flannel shirts and artisanal espresso cups. The streets are stuffed with writers who, of their quest for a greater deal, have left their keyboards and brought up arms, or Sharpies, because the case could also be. And whereas their trigger could also be simply, their ceaseless chanting is driving me to the brink of insanity.
“What do we would like?” “Residuals for Social Justice Streaming Platforms!” “When do we would like it?” “Yesterday, however solely within the ESG-friendly method by which we search it!”
Fuck all of those individuals. Their meals sucks, the city is a shithole, nobody understands humor, and BBQ is nonexistent out right here. I’m going dwelling.
So, in a bid for sanity and salvation, I’m returning to SJ World Headquarters to take up my duties because the blawg’s resident humorist. My delight and curiosity in throwing soup cans at individuals whereas excessive on designer medicine swallowed, I’ve packed up and am crawling again to your relentless calls for with the intention to bask within the glow of your mean-ass aura.
However earlier than I do, I’ve one small request. If I could also be so daring, I humbly ask that you simply grant me a single boon as a token of your boundless generosity and magnanimity. You see, in my time away, I’ve grown relatively keen on a selected shade of artisanal espresso, a wealthy, velvety mix of beans sourced from the farthest reaches of the globe.
I don’t know the place these fuckers get these things, however I do have a reputation. One of many writers I seek advice from as “Mr. Sanctimonious” calls these things “Folgairs.”
So, if it’s not an excessive amount of bother, may I ask that you simply hold a recent pot of this ambrosial elixir brewing in our humble workplace? I promise that in alternate, I’ll pour my coronary heart and soul into each phrase I write, doing my utmost to reside as much as your exacting requirements and surpass even your wildest expectations.
With that, I bid you adieu, SHG. I’ll see you quickly, again within the loving embrace of your mean-ass editorship.
We’ll be again with a brand new Sheriff Roy story subsequent week, expensive readers. Within the meantime, get pleasure from this teaser trailer for “Antifa Mates,” a brand new children’s sequence debuting quickly.
EXT. CITY STREETS – DAY
We see a bunch of numerous and colourful puppet characters strolling down the busy streets of a metropolis. They’re sporting black garments and carrying indicators with numerous slogans, corresponding to “No justice, no peace” and “Fascism has no place right here.” As they stroll, they sing a catchy music about preventing for justice and equality.
ANTIFA FRIENDS (singing):
We’re the Antifa pals, and we’re right here to say
We received’t let hate and oppression have their means
We’re preventing for justice, we’re preventing for all
We received’t cease till each wall falls
As they proceed strolling, they arrive throughout a bunch of fascist puppets who’re holding a rally. The Antifa pals determine to confront them and interact in a peaceable counter-protest.
Hey, hey, ho, ho
Fascism has acquired to go!
The fascist puppets begin hurling insults and threatening violence, however the Antifa pals stay calm and use their witty humor to defuse the state of affairs.
We received’t be intimidated by your hate
We’ll stand sturdy and we’ll by no means take the bait
We’re right here to indicate that love will at all times win
So let’s dance and let the nice occasions start!
The Antifa pals begin dancing and singing, and shortly the fascist puppets take part too. As they dance collectively, they notice that they’ve extra in widespread than they thought, they usually begin to see one another as fellow puppets relatively than enemies.
ANTIFA FRIENDS (singing):
We could have totally different views and other ways
However we’re all simply puppets on this massive previous play
Let’s put our variations apart and unite
For a future that’s vibrant and full of sunshine
Finish of teaser.
Cue canned applause.
This Author’s Strike submit has been dropped at you by Tremfaya. Tremfaya: it’s a drug title I made up that for some cause sounds actually respectable.
Tremfaya: once you wish to confuse your physician by asking if it’s essential to be on a medicine that’s completely made up however sounds essential!
Tune in subsequent week for a model new Sheriff Roy. Within the meantime and in between time, have an amazing weekend!