In the second part of Elizabeth Burns’ article on “Safely Separating from a Narcissist”, Elizabeth deals with techniques for clients to think about and adopt when separating from a narcissist.
Be aware of your safety
First and foremost, do not do anything that puts you at risk. Not all narcissists are violent, but if at any point you are concerned for your safety, contact the police. If you need to make a swift exit, have a ‘go bag’ prepared with important documents, cash, toiletries and a change of clothing. Seek support from domestic abuse organisations and/or a solicitor if needed.
Do not confront them
If you think that your partner/ex-partner is a narcissist, you may be tempted to confront them with this knowledge in an attempt to get them to recognise their own behaviour. You may even have fantasised about them changing as a result. In reality, there is no point. A narcissist is unlikely to be capable of addressing their own behaviour, and chances are they will try to deflect this upon you and may even accuse you of being the narcissist. Remember, they cannot empathise with you, and they won’t be won over by heartfelt pleas as to how they’ve made you feel. Rather than planning a confrontation, think about how best to disentangle yourself from the relationship, and protect yourself going forwards.
Learn to set boundaries
You may find that during the relationship, your boundaries have been so frequently ground down or violated that you struggle with putting these back in place. Think about what is and isn’t acceptable to you, and most importantly, enforce these boundaries consistently.
If you are able to do so, go ‘no contact’ with them. No contact means exactly that, no contact. Block their number, delete them on social media, and do not engage with any attempts to reach out to you. Initially, you may receive a flurry of calls or messages through third parties, or they may set up new accounts to try and reach you. Stay firm in your no contact approach, as any form of engagement will only encourage them to continue.
If you have to stay in contact with them, whether that’s because you have joint finances to sort out, a divorce to process, or maybe you have children together, consider using the ‘grey rock’ method. Imagine yourself as a grey rock and become as uninteresting and unengaged as possible. Only share the bare minimum with them, and do not provide them with any further details about your life – whether good or bad – they will only find a way to use this information against you later.
Rely on your support network
A narcissist wants all of your attention to themselves, and may have taken steps to create a wedge between you and friends or family members. You may even have withdrawn from social interactions yourself, for fear of how the narcissist will respond, leaving you unsure as to whether you can get back in contact now that the relationship is ending. Do not be afraid to reach out, ask for help and open up about what you have been going through. These bridges can be rebuilt, and in many cases, they will provide invaluable support and will be all too happy to assist.
Enlist professional help
Remember that you do not have to tackle their behaviour alone. If you haven’t done so already, look for a therapist specialising in narcissistic abuse that can provide you with support during the separation process and beyond. If there are legal issues to resolve, leave your solicitor to deal with correspondence and they will provide a useful filter between you and the narcissist so that you don’t have to deal with their behaviour directly. A solicitor can also assist with any protective measures that may be necessary, for example if you need to apply for a Non-Molestation Order.
Family Solicitor, Elizabeth Burns, has recently been awarded a Diploma in ‘Dealing with Narcissism’ and has experience of assisting clients in the breakdown of relationships where their ex-partner is displaying narcissistic behaviours.
To arrange an appointment with Elizabeth or another member of our Family Team, please contact us on 01206 764477. The team can offer advice at one of our offices in Colchester, Chelmsford, Frinton-on-Sea, Ipswich or Bury St Edmunds. We offer a free exploratory call so that we can match your specific needs with the right person in our family team.
