The word ‘narcissist’ is becoming more frequently used in the media, but what is a narcissist, and what can you do if you find yourself separating from one?
‘Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ (NPD) is a medical diagnosis, and only a trained psychologist can confirm whether an individual has NPD. However, there are plenty of people that may exhibit narcissistic traits, without necessarily warranting a diagnosis. Typical characteristics may include:
- Lack of empathy: A narcissist cannot put themselves in your shoes, they lack the ability to feel how someone else is feeling. This leaves them unable to understand your perspective or feelings and may leave you feeling unseen or misunderstood.
- Gaslighting: Gaslighting is a form of emotional/psychological abuse that leaves the victim questioning their own reality, sanity, or memories of an event. A narcissist will challenge your perception, deny or twist events that you know happened, and insist that any emotional reactions are irrational or disproportionate.
- Entitlement: Simply put, the narcissist believes that they are entitled to do whatever they want, regardless of anyone else’s views, opinions or feelings. This may include hurting you (or your children).
- Always needing to ‘win’: A narcissist often thinks in black and white and cannot see any nuance in a situation. This combined with their sense of entitlement means that they must be ‘right’, and you must, therefore, be ‘wrong’.
- Using ‘DARVO’: DARVO stands for ‘Deny, attack, Reverse Victim and Offender’. Instead of accepting accountability for their behaviour, a narcissist will deny it, criticise you, and turn themselves into the victim of the situation.
There are many different types of abusive relationships, but narcissists in particular may be superficially charming and loving in the early stages of your relationship, and this can leave it more difficult to spot early warning signs until you are deeply enmeshed in the relationship, perhaps even married or with children. Others may struggle to understand your experience of the relationship, if they have only ever witnessed this charming side of your partner.
You may think that once you’ve decided to leave the relationship, you will be free of the narcissistic behaviour, but unfortunately the likelihood is that it will only worsen, at least temporarily. This may include threatening to take or withhold the children from you; threatening to ‘sue’ you or use the legal system against you; hiding financial information or taking steps to deliberately ruin their financial position such as increasing debt or devaluing the family home or a business; or manipulating your children into being angry with you, particularly if you were the one that ended the relationship. You may also be subject to a torrent of entirely petty but constant minor issues that are designed to inconvenience you, such as being late to collect the children, ignoring you when you try to sort arrangements in advance, or not paying joint bills on time.
So, if you are unlucky enough to find yourself separating from a narcissist and dealing with these behaviours, what can you do to get yourself through the relationship ending as painlessly as possible?
There are a number of things to think about, and techniques you can adopt to help keep you safe whilst separating from a narcissist. In her second article on the subject, Elizabeth Burns, Solicitor in our Family Department explains ways in which you can look to help yourself when separating from a narcissist. Elizabeth, has recently been awarded a Diploma in ‘Dealing with Narcissism’ and has experience of assisting clients in the breakdown of relationships where their ex-partner is displaying narcissistic behaviours.
You can also read part 2 of Safely Separating from a Narcissist here.
To arrange an appointment with Elizabeth or another member of our Family Team, please contact us on 01206 764477. The team can offer advice at one of our offices in Colchester, Chelmsford, Frinton-on-Sea, Ipswich or Bury St Edmunds. We offer a free exploratory call so that we can match your specific needs with the right person in our family team.
