Co-parenting with a narcissist may seem impossible, but it is possible with the right approach.
What is Co-Parenting?
Co-Parenting is where two separated parents work together to raise their children. Co-parenting provides a secure and stress-free environment for the children. However, this method also brings challenges, especially where the two parents have different decision-making and communication styles.
When you are faced with an ex-partner who is a narcissist, co-parenting can feel like a never-ending battle. This blog talks about how you can co-parent with a narcissist by putting good boundaries in place to make contact arrangements work.
What is a Narcissist?
Narcissism is a blanket term for a range of behaviours. It can cover a person who displays mild narcissistic personality traits and very common characteristics, including attention seeking, arrogance or egotistical. It can also cover someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). NPD is a diagnosed mental health condition where an individual has an inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. People with NPD may often exhibit manipulative or controlling behaviour in relationships and believe that their way is the only way, which automatically makes co-parenting a challenge.
How does Narcissism affect co-parenting?
Co-parting with a narcissist can be very difficult, not only because they think they are always right but also because they are often unpredictable. Some examples of this kind of behaviour include:
- Refusal to be flexible, even if their demand conflicts with important events in the child’s life or is contrary to the child’s best interests.
- Criticising the other parent’s parenting style, talking negatively about the other parent to the child, or using the child as a messenger.
- Not being able to understand empathy and not being able to consider the child’s feelings.
- Being obsessed with the child’s achievements and not being able to show any affection if the child does not meet the expectations.
- Playing favourites with the children causing conflict and resentment.
- Seeking to exert control over the other parent’s finances, for example, signing up the child to a club and then asking the other parent to pay for it.
- Invade the other parent’s time with the child by constantly text messaging, phoning or turning up to events uninvited.
- Undermining or competing with the other parent to obtain the child’s attention.
- Making unilateral decisions about the child
- Placing the blame on the other parent.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is not easy, but it is not impossible. It is key, however, to establish clear boundaries and maintain consistent communication. Written documents can also assist and help protect you and provide a reference point if a dispute does arise. Set out below are some approaches which can assist in making co-parenting manageable.
1. Parallel Parenting
Co-parenting with someone who is diagnosed with Narcissism or someone who is merely showing traits can be chaotic. There will be constant conflicts, privacy invasion and no guarantee that they will adhere to agreed arrangements. You can, therefore, consider implementing parallel planning. This strategy means that each parent takes responsibility for their own time with the child with minimal interaction between the two parents. Examples included arranging neutral drop-off points, using a parenting app only and alternating attendance at important events or extracurricular activities. This means you are minimising the contact between you both, allowing less room for disagreements. This will also mean that all communication is in writing so that there is a clear log of events if any issues arise.
2. Put a parenting plan in place
Developing a parenting plan will allow each parent to take responsibility for their time with the child whilst keeping communication to a minimum. An experienced family lawyer can assist you in putting a comprehensive parenting plan in place. The document will provide a clear procedure for contact, handovers, communication, decision-making, child-related expenses, and any other aspect of co-parenting. The more you have included, the less room there is for an issue to arise. It is important to try to cover every possible scenario. Attention must be given to detail; any agreement within the parenting plan should be specific and not left vague.
3. Resolve disputes professionally
Everyone would much rather be able to co-parent amicably or with the assistance of a parenting plan. Unfortunately, disputes are recurrent and harder to resolve where you are co-parenting with a narcissist, and especially because they will attempt to exert control to get their own way. There are various alternative dispute resolution routes which one can take to try and resolve the issues including, solicitor-led negotiations, mediation, collaborative law and early neutral evaluation. If these fail or you require an urgent way forward, your solicitor can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order, Specific Issues Order or Prohibited Steps Order to stop any unreasonable or unsafe behaviour from the other parent.
Best interests of the children
When co-parenting, it is important that you prioritise the children. This in reality means only communicating about the child and refusing to get drawn into arguments and resisting the urge to retaliate. It is important that you stay focus and avoid unnecessary discussions/disagreements as this will not reflect well on your own character should matters end up in the Family Court.
It is also important that you document everything. Make a note when your ex-partner did not meet at the time agreed or when they contact you when they are not meant to, for example.
How we can help
Rina Mistry is a Senior Associate in our Family Law team, advising on a wide range of family law work, and in particular specialising in private children’s law, children matters and domestic abuse.
At Nelsons, we understand the emotional and legal challenges that come with family disputes. Our team of experienced family law solicitors is here to provide compassionate and expert advice, helping you navigate these difficult times.
If you need any advice concerning the subjects discussed above, please contact us and we will be happy to discuss your circumstances in more detail and give you more information about the services that our solicitors can provide along with details of our hourly rates.
For more information or advice, please call Rina or another member of our team in Derby, Leicester or Nottingham on 0800 024 1976 or contact us via our online form.
This article is for information only and does not constitute legal/financial advice. Please contact us for advice tailored to your specific position. Some of the content presented on our website has been generated with the assistance of Artificial Intelligence (AI). We ensure that all AI-generated content meets our high standards for accuracy and relevance.
