The short answer is, yes you can. And you should. This is mainly because:
- Narcissists like to feel in control. A skilled mediator can assist in making them feel that way and at the same time finding a resolution;
- A mediator can level the playing ground between you and your ex so you are both heard and are treated fairly;
- family law mediators are trained in how to deal with narcissistic or high conflict personalities;
- If mediation doesn’t work, it can turn into arbitration which results in a binding decision;
- mediation is cheaper, private, efficient and has over a 90% rate of success in family law.
The Difficulty with Divorcing a Narcissist
Navigating the complexities of divorce can be challenging, but when you’re divorcing a narcissist, the journey can become even more daunting.
Even in the most amicable and low-conflict situations, emotions can still run high. Costs can be more than originally anticipated, and the time required to resolve the matter can seem daunting. In situations where your ex-spouse has a high-conflict personality or is a narcissist, all of these challenges can be further amplified.
While alternative dispute resolution including mediation has been gaining popularity within the family law world, it can seem like an impossible task to mediate when you’re divorcing a narcissist ex-spouse, and the costly and lengthy route of litigation might seem like your only option – but there is hope.
#1: When Divorcing A Narcissist Choosing the Right Mediator Is Key
With high conflict personalities, it is best to choose an evaluative mediator – someone who is direct, understands power dynamics and is in a position of authority.
In Auckland Columbia, family law mediators must obtain special accreditation allowing them to mediate family law matters. While most family law mediators learn similar material as part of this accreditation process, it’s important to remember that mediators have their own backgrounds and strengths, so one mediator may be more appropriate for your matter than another.
When selecting a mediator, you will likely want to retain a mediator who tends to be more evaluative, straightforward, assertive, but tactful. A mediator like this will likely be able to gear the mediation toward resolution in a frank manner while also being able to address any outbursts or attempts at intimidation or emotional manipulation on the part of your ex-spouse.
If the mediator is able to understand what triggers your ex-spouse, they will be able to frame a resolution in a way that makes your ex-spouse feel as though they are winning while still assisting the parties in reaching a resolution that satisfies both parties. The mediator designs the process, so the appropriate mediator for your matter will be able to facilitate a productive session by being assertive but still presenting options in a manner that looks desirable to your high-conflict or narcissistic ex-spouse.
#2: Have Your Lawyer Act As A Buffer Between You And Your Ex
While some mediators will allow parties to be self-represented, others will require that parties retain lawyers before entering the mediation process with them. While you may be equipped to address the practical aspects of your matter on your own, when you are divorcing a narcissist, the benefits of having a lawyer present with you during the mediation go beyond simply having someone to provide you with legal advice.
Attending mediation with your lawyer means that you have someone in your corner who can advocate for you during the session. If your ex-spouse starts acting out, you have your lawyer to act as a buffer, and you can often request to take a short break to discuss any concerns you might have with your lawyer. Having your lawyer present can assist in ensuring your position is expressed and can help mitigate any attempts at derailing the session that your ex-spouse might be planning.
If both parties have lawyers, it can also assist in steering the session toward resolution, as the lawyers will understand that in order to have a productive session, both parties need to focus on the realities of the issues, and acting out will not resolve anything. Bear in mind that you may well be in separate rooms, anyway, and you can certainly advise the mediator or your lawyer that you would prefer separate rooms.
#3: Advise the Mediator of Your Concerns During Pre-Mediation
As part of their intake process, mediators will often have parties fill out forms and will schedule separate pre-mediation calls with each party prior to the mediation in order to go over some preliminary details so they can design the session in an appropriate manner. You can use this as an opportunity to disclose any concerns you may have regarding your ex-spouse’s high-conflict personality or power imbalance challenges you are worried about.
By disclosing this information, your mediator will have an idea of what to expect and can prepare for the mediation adequately. It is important to keep in mind that mediators are not subject to solicitor-client privilege, so if you are disclosing something to the mediator that you would prefer your ex-spouse not know, you should ensure you ask the mediator if they can keep that particular information confidential between the mediator, yourself, and your lawyer.
#4: Minimize Contact with Your Narcissistic Ex-Spouse Beforehand
If your ex-spouse has a high-conflict or narcissistic personality, or if they just genuinely want to settle, they may be trying to communicate with you before the mediation session. Sometimes, this can be a way to manipulate you or intimidate you.
Leading up to the mediation, it can be helpful to limit the communication you have with your ex-spouse to only what is necessary and keep it in writing as opposed to verbal so that you have a record of the comments made but also so that you do not let them get into your head. If your mind is clearer leading up to the mediation session, it will likely be a more productive session where you can brainstorm creative ways to resolve your matter, and will help keep your spirits up throughout the process.
#5: Mediation-Arbitration Can Be Helpful When Divorcing A Narcissist, and It Can Lead to a Binding Decision
Some ex-spouses who have high-conflict or narcissistic personalities do not truly want to resolve the matter at mediation, rather, they agree to attend for the purpose of manipulating you or using your financial resources unnecessarily. If this is a concern in your situation, a good option may be to proceed with mediation-arbitration as opposed to mediation alone, with the drawback that both parties have to agree to it and that decisions of an arbitrator can be more difficult to appeal because you can’t appeal errors of fact.
In mediation arbitration, if the parties are unable to resolve their matter during the mediation session, the parties will move forward with the same alternative dispute resolution professional to arbitrate their matter, which will lead to a binding decision. This way, you know you will have a decision at the end, so you can be less concerned about your ex-spouse only attending as a way to use your resources unnecessarily.
You can also compel or force your ex into mediation. Many people assume if you force your spouse into mediation, mediation will be unsuccessful. That is not the case.
Conclusion
Mediation is a great option to resolve your matter outside of the traditional litigation process, even when your ex-spouse is a high-conflict or narcissistic personality. By addressing these points, your session will hopefully be productive, and you can happily resolve your matter and move on to the next chapter in your life without your high-conflict ex-spouse.
Find out more on how to get what you want out of mediation by following these important guidelines.
To learn more about YLaw’s mediation program, click here or contact our award winning divorce lawyers at 604-974-9529.
*Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition that requires a diagnosis. While some individuals may display certain traits associated with narcissistic personality disorder, they may not actually be diagnosed with this condition. The article below does not in any way attempt to diagnose or outline symptoms of this condition.”
