- Introduction
- Are you fighting fire with fire?
- Treat your ex with respect
- Make everything be from the perspective of your child
- Don’t burden your children with decisions they shouldn’t have to make
- Compromise – treat your ex partner as an ally, not an enemy
- Conclusion
Introduction
A nasty family law case can negatively affect your life. It can keep you up night, depress you, kill your social life, damage your relationship and really drag you down.
When it comes to the case itself this mindset can change the way you behave in it and in a worst case scenario damage your chances of a good success. It’s a well worn path – people respond in a logical, if not helpful manner. When you’re dealing with a solicitor or McKenzie Friend who has seen things played out a thousand times they’ll know how to deal with this and even worse – take advantage of it.
You need to be cool, calm and collected to maximise your chances in your case. A positive attitude is even better. It’s hard, but it’s doable.
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Are you fighting fire with fire?
It’s natural to respond in kind when you feel under attack. If it feels like your ex partner (or their solicitor) is attacking your character it’s a go to reciprocate. If it seems like they’re using money as a weapon to `starve you out’ it could be that you are going to attempt to do the same to them. If it looks like they’re using an aggressive solicitor to attempt to intimidate you into backing down you may want your own bulldog to show you’re not scared.
There are problems with this though. You’re losing focus. You’re losing the end goal in the detail of seeking advantage, shock and awe tactics and seeking a `knock out blow’ on your opponent. You’re also acting in a way that makes the Court think you’re `as bad’ as your ex partner.
It’s worth remembering that depending on where you stand in this conflict this may or may not be a good thing:
If you’re in a situation where you don’t want a court order because you are happy with the situation…this is a good thing. Your ex partner can spend their time and resource in an ineffective way while you need to do very little. Of course – it is completely play games during a court case; the Family Court exists to act in the best interests of the child and this is just another reason that doing anything other than engaging positively is plain wrong.
That said – here are 5 things you can do to ensure you are running a positive campaign in your case.
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Be part of the solution or be part of the problem
The court is looking for solutions. If you’re not providing any maybe your ex will be – or if they aren’t providing them either, the Court will.
The point here is that digging your heels in, seeing the cloud in every silver lining, saying `no’ to everything and metaphorically sitting back with your arms crossed is a good way for someone else in the room to come up with a plan – which you may or may not like.
Being part of the problem is an abdication of responsibility.
As a parent, you have responsibilities towards your child and a duty to act in their best interests no matter what. I’m not saying you should blindly agree with whatever your ex or the Court wants. There is no presumption of contact in law; but the Court believes children believe that children do best with both their parents in their lives when it is safe to do so.
It could be that you don’t believe the children are safe in the care of your children.
But when the Court has decided otherwise you have a choice: To discuss a path that leads to contact or to fight it. There are multiple ways you can fight it. You can delay things by refusing to agree anything. You can appeal an order. You can raise more concerns. You can talk about it on social media, contact the media or something like that.
Refusing to engage in the process will ultimately see you being bypassed however.
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Treat your ex with respect
Just because your ex is aggressive, rude and angry doesn’t mean you have to be. There’s an old saying that the definition of a gentleman who is courteous towards someone from whom courtesy isn’t forthcoming.
It’s nice to be nice. But this point isn’t just about being nice because you want the moral highground (although that is something that will leave you able to look back in years to come and say `Despite it all, I was a decent person‘.
Look at it from the point of a view of a judge. They’re faced with two people both shouting at each other, both accusing each other of horrible things and both blaming each other. From his/her point of view the judge may be forgiven for thinking `They’re as bad as each other’. But if one party is shouting, aggressive and abusive while the other is calm, friendly and relaxed? What message does that send out?
This extends to paperwork too. There’s a very different feel to a piece of paperwork that describes your ex as `Mum’ or `Dad’/`John’ or `Sarah’ compared to `The Respondent Mother’ or `The Applicant Father’. The court will notice the difference.
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Make everything be from the perspective of your child
The Family Court is interested in making sure the best interests of your child are served – not you. The Family Court acts in their best interests, not you. If the court sees a conflict between what you want and what the court decides your child needs, you are coming second and you will be disappointed. That’s not to say the Court won’t look for a solution that is in the best interests of your child while making sure you, your ex and everyone is happy. But that isn’t always possible.
With this in mind you can look at the world through your child’s – and the Court’s eyes.
A good example is how you frame language. I’ve already touched on this in the previous section about calling your ex partner `Mum’ or `Dad’ not `The Respondent Mother’/`Applicant Father’. In a similar vein it’s your child’s `time with Mum/Dad’ – not `My time’. It’s `Our child’, not `my child’. Any paperwork you produce should be done with this in mind.
Similarly it’s about taking yourself – and your ex – out of the equation and asking yourself the simple question `What is in the best interests of my child?’ as opposed to questions such as `What do I want?’. `What would look good in court?’ or `What will put my ex in a `damned if they do, damned if they don’t’ situation?’
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Don’t burden your children with decisions they shouldn’t have to make
Children are people – but they need parenting. You are their parent and they need your guidance, your wisdom and your protection.
So it’s good to listen what children want, but it needs to be tempered – parenting is far more than giving them what they want.
The court agrees this is the case too; what your children say they want is a factor. It’s one of the 7 factors listed in Section 1 of the Children Act – the Welfare Checklist. The older they get and the greater their understanding, the more significant their views will be and the more weight those views will carry. There’s a world of difference between your 2-year old saying they never want to see Mummy/Daddy again and a mature 15 year old saying it.
And so telling a child they have the job of making the monumental decision od whether they have a relationship with one of the two people on the planet they have the closest link with is a heavy weight for young shoulders. Children are loyal; they want to please their parents and it’s common for them to say what they think the person in front of them thinks they want to hear. Children also have a sense of fairness, a sense of `right and wrong’.
Demonstrating you listen to your children and consider their wishes and feelings while being a parent who – among other things – guides their children in their best interests is in line with how the Court thinks and will only show you in a good light.
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Compromise – treat your ex partner as an ally, not an enemy
Parents can make their own arrangements for their children without the involvement of a Court (unless it’s a public law matter initiated by social services, etc.)
If a mother and father can agree things for their children there’s no court, no solicitors, no legal fees, reports or people like me in your life.
Separating parents can and do sort things out between themselves – they’ll be the ones you never hear about because the whole thing has been a non event. The alternative can be a long, painful court case. The average length of a private law case is around 18 months but they can be a lot longer (as well as expensive and upsetting). They can inflame an already emotional situation and pour petrol on the fire.
Once a court case is going, it can feel like a roller coaster. But things can improve over time if at least one person in the case is working hard to dial things down, rather than up. Of course…it can be hard. You may well find the olive branch slapped out of your hand, your compromise taken advantage of and your kindsness mistaken for weakness.
It may that your positivity is rebuffed at every step.
It’s reasonable to think that it has a better prospect of improving things than giving as good as you get however. In my experience, people seldom `buckle’, waving a metaphorical white flag and just giving up: More often they double down.
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Conclusion
It may be you do all of the above (and more) and you’ll be rewarded with negativity in response for your positivity. It may leave you feeling that no matter what you do, you are punished for doing `the right thing’.
There’s a broader point here though.
Firstly – it may work (and is likely to do so more than trying to outdo your ex in unpleasantness). Secondly? Your conscience will be clear – you’ll know in your heart of hearts you did everything you could despite it all.
And most importantly?
Your children will notice which parent was the kind, relaxed and generous one and which one…wasn’t. It’s all in your hands.
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